I wonder what these guys argue about...I can picture it in my head. 


Newbie :  I'm gonna grow my first beard!  It's gonna be Freestyle and it's gonna be hyoog!  I'm going to be the next Horst Schmidt of the Munich Beard Federation.  That guy grows hair like nobody's business. 

Curmudgeon :  Tsk!  How many beards have you grown?  I've been growing beards for over 30 years and all newbies should start out with moustaches and learn how to grow.  Maybe then get into full beards.  Once you've learned how to really grow hair, then go Garibaldi or Freestyle.  Everyone thinks they can jump right in and get a factory shave. 

Oldie :  Who needs the factories?  Who needs those new fangled clippers.  When I started growing, I used a straight razor and you know what?  It still works just fine.  The clippers are just a way to force the little hair-mongers out of the sport. 

Friend of Newbie :  Leave the guy alone!  He's been sporting mutton chops for a while now and he knows follicles! 

Organizer :  There will be a Moustachecross at the Oconto County Fairgrounds on June 13.  See www.moustachecross.com for more details.  As always, we need workers! 

Friend of Newbie :  Awesome!  I can't wait to take my 'Dolph out there! 

Cynic :  A "'Dolph"?  Why would you ever, EVER grow a 'Dolph?  Do you have any idea just how inappropriate a 'Dolph is for Mustachecross?  You might as well go in with a Groucho moustache/nose/glasses combo.  You'd have a better chance of being competitive. 

Friend of Newbie :  I got it free.  Give me a break, man.  Whatev4r! 

Cynic :  A 'Dolph doesn't even have a good upgrade path.  If you want to go for Handlebars, it would come in all uneven, you'd have to shave it off and start all over.  And forget about a full beard.  All the work you put in it would be lost. 

Tinkerer :  I'm looking for the email address for Gunter von GrosseSchlange of the Palintinate Beard Club.  Anyone? 

Salt :  Yeah it's guntervongrosseschlange@palintinatebeardclub.com 

Curmudgeon :  Has anyone seen heard about what's going on at the World Beard Federation?  They're no longer going to allow hats!  Don't they realize just how useful a hat is in defining a beard?  Especially a traditional Norwegian Lutefisk Hat?  And what about all those guys (and gals) who have spent all their hard earned money on a hat for every weather condition?  What I want to know is who voted for this rule?  I didn't vote for it.  Where was the member input?  I've got 30 years of beard growing experience and I can't ever recall an organization just adopting rules without input from the members. 

Newbie :  Has anyone ever tried Grecian Formula for Beards? 

Tinkerer :  I don't think you're old enough for that, sonnie. Besides, the chemical formulation will react with certain pollutants and cause discolorations in the beard.  You should pick up a copy of Grow to Win, The Art of Growing, Grooming and Coloring by Carol Smythe.  She really knew her beards. 

Curmudgeon :  WHAT ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!! 

Cynic :  Are you trying to sell straight razors again? 

Curmudgeon :  Has anyone seen the entry fees for the Western Bavaria ProBeards?  $800!  Where does the money go?  I remember thirty years ago when the ProBeards were $25 and a stein of beer to enter and you only had to show up with some sort of facial hair.  Now you have to have special shirts with "sponsor" patches and official club logos that have to be 1.25" away from the breast pocket or you get disqualified, and if you want to be competitive...the sky's the limit.  Hats, special beard-enhancing pants, electro-mechanical cravats, a bevvy of beard gels, lotions and let's not forget how many brushes and combs you might go through every event.  It's getting ridiculous. 

Organizer :  Have you ever tried organizing a ProBeard?  Do you have any idea of the costs?  Maybe you should have called the organizers and asked instead of jabbering about it on FullBeard.com. 

Photog :  I got some nice shots from the Sasquatch Regionals - be sure to check out Ruprecht "Rupee" Thuringer and his nose hair moustache!  If you use the pics on your web site be sure to credit me! 

Cynic :  Did you know that most people do not meet the standard for the Garibaldi.  Seems that most competitors can't meet the European standards because of different voltages on the trimmers.  The factory teams got away with it because of "Local Follilceation"  Whatever that is. 

Tinkerer :  So I was in the salon, working on my beard and I started combing it out.  I was combing and watching Benny Hill.  (phenomena - do doo de do do - heh, I love that guy) and anyways, I guess I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing.  When I got up to fluff, I noticed I had been combing my chest hair! So now I have Freestyle Chest hair to match my Freestyle Beard.  LOL! 

Oldie :  Hah!  Putz!  If you had done what I did, you would not have had this problem. I replaced my chest hair with a piece of astro turf years ago!  Never combed the wrong hair again. 

Rebel :  I'm pleased to annouce that the Pittsburgh Invitationals (sponsored by Bendy Straws! and the Department of Homeland Security) will be sanctioned by the People's Beard Club and not the World Beard Federation.   We are a member driven organization dedicated to getting the most out of your chin.  And remember just because we have Beards, doesn't mean we're terrorists. 

Nutcase :  Hey maybe we're in the wrong club.  check out ww.rallycabal.com.  HAH! looozers. 

Curmudgeon :  clgurllkafla! asdf lk;poi ertwklkjw;lerk66ok pkhs/.